Nice knockoff championship tee, diq.

Hilarious.

This happened two days ago and everybody else already covered it, but here’s the cold hard facts: the kid and the cop who got him with the taser are both faster than Shane Victorino. Of course, this kid might wind up wearing a giant helmet for a while if you listen to over-protective ninnies like Woody Paige, but that just makes it funnier. Bonus: he was the only sober 17-year-old at the game.

Here’s the clip:

We added a new contributor to the Loudville team, Ambrose. He loves the hell out of Sidney Crosby and he hates Chris Pronger so he probably won’t watch the Flyers HBO documentary that’s on tomorrow.

Johan Santana threw the worst game of his life yesterday. That’s interesting and all, but I’m not really concerned. He’ll bounce back and the Mets will do okay for a while until they all get hurt or September, whichever comes first. What’s better than talking about the Mets? Watching the Fordham Leap again.

The Saints may have done a bad thing. Who Dat’s accused of distributing stolen Vicodin, among other things, by a former staff member who seems like a dick. Unfortunately we can’t see how this plays out through Steven Segal’s eyes, since his Jefferson Parish sheriff show is still on hiatus. Oh well.

The most popular search that led people to Loudville this weekend was…

No sir, Dany Heatley is an all-star. Everybody knows that.

This post was really supposed to involve Wade Boggs. I need to work on that for next time, but for now let’s talk about another old man. Brett Favre might have told a guy that he’s going to retire, but nothing is solid. He was told last week that he needs surgery to play this season; I honestly think Favre is just being his selfish old man self, was aware of this in February and hid it from the Vikings staff and the media until after the draft so he wasn’t replaced by a first or second round pick. Childress might have not done that anyway though, and let his man-crush on Favre cloud his judgement, so who knows.

The Cleveland Cavaliers call their best section Loudville so I might as well mention that LeBron James won the NBA MVP for the second year in a row. His speech mentioned Akron, Ohio in a nostalgic fashion and people have been speculating that it indicated he’s changing teams as a free agent. People have been echoing the same for years. I refrain from comment. I’m not even going to link it.

Brought to you by the good folks at Jockey

Tomorrow is the 136th Kentucky Derby and Joe Torre owns a horse named Homeboykris so it’s doubly relevant to a sports blog as I could talk about horse racing and the Dodgers and even the Yankees in Nostalgiavision™ – but I won’t. No, sadly I know next to nothing about horse racing. I do enjoy viewing the race and seeing all the people in silly giant hats they show in the pregame prelude to the race, but I’m more of a motorsports kind of guy and I don’t know anyone who bets on F-1, IRL or even NASCAR so it’s not really that fun to bring them up in Pete Rose’s Gambling Corner.

I did, however, once witness someone put a bet on WWF Wrestlemania, way back before those panda-huggers wrestled the name away from President Angry Vince. What’s important is that my friend bet on a simulated sporting event with pre-determined outcome and lost, which is hilarious. Of course we were very young, but I thought it was understood by everyone that professional wrestling was all made up and the points don’t matter.

Always bet on the Nature Boy

If you live in South Carolina and have half a sawbuck, now you can bet on wrestling and lose too! The Charlotte Observer reported Wednesday that Ric Flair is on the title card for the match against rising education costs and he’ll be appearing at NASCAR events over the next six weeks for the state lottery but that’s not really important here. Look at that lottery ticket, it’s awesome. All of the Dirtiest Player in the Game’s signature moves are detailed by the same guy who does the Fallout posters and that makes it way better than last year’s North Carolina Ric Flair Gambling Rookie Card, which was blue and had none of that.

Ric Flair really shines in the television commercials he shoots for the state gambling commission. He’s remarkably old and that’s pretty unusual for a wrestler, considering most of them die from heart explosion long before they can collect social security. Look for more of these in the near future if you’re in the Carolinas or on the youtube and want a laugh.

She gets bigger if you click on her.

I’m absolutely thrilled that the Habs knocked out the Caps last night, not because I’m a dirty Canada-loving hippie but because I really hated the level of success the Caps had in the regular season for the past few years. I’m a jerk like that. Washington is great team and they finally have half-decent fans and good attendance, but the Habs have a long tradition of being called the Habs for no good reason and I can go along with that.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, “Dan, that’s a smokin’-hot chick in goalie pads,” and you’d be right. I’m throwing my full support behind Boston against the Flyers despite them being part of Red Sox Nation because I’m pretty pissed that Philly knocked out my Devs. I’m not ready to talk about the Devils yet though, so I’m just gonna move on to a new topic.

There was a video of a Canadiens fan in a bikini here that my buddy Bob sent me, but some youtube deity has taken it away. In its place, one of those “history will be made” videos:

Now, really back on track. Tonight’s only hockey game is Detroit at San Jose, and everyone’s astounded the Sharks haven’t choked yet. My brother seems convinced this is a sign they’re going to win it all and dance with the Cup. But here’s the thing: Dany Heatley hasn’t scored a playoff goal yet. One man is not a team, but he’s the league’s 8th ranked scorer. He’s an all-star. And for more on Heatley, I direct you to his biggest fan on the youtube.